Flow Above It
Month: July 2016
Crumbs of Reality
The freedom of choice is to decide whether or not to keep up the fight to ‘fit into’ the ideals of what the people and surroundings are that we interact with is ultimately within our own mindset to decide.As a person who has had to journey through some external influences, and experiences where the choice at the moment was a matter of survival, my personal backpack in full of shoes that I would not wish upon others to walk in.
The gift of it all is that I have a diverse and ‘true’ understanding of how deep the pain can be that someone else can hold. The areas of understanding have been a checkmark beside every type of physical and emotional abuses on the lists of the community supports ‘out there.’ All inflicted by people in my life that have had a personal attachment, and where trust would be an expected dynamic of the relationship.
The outcome is that the dysfunctional type of person I have come to be is a matter of people being curious, however, not actually caring enough to offer the ‘real’ help needed. There are self help community supports, with an agenda of their own beliefs that are a condition of participation. Always with an underlining ‘tone’ of being ‘less than’ and constant reminders of just why that is, and the ultimate responsibility remains a path that walks the pavement alone, with intangible suggestions that may or may not sooth the choices that are left in our ‘damaged’ and/or broken mindset. The ‘fight’ to stay with a positive space is real.
The only choice to stay in the NOW is to face and feel the pain. To find enough personal motivation within that to forgive the experiences, then release each and every moment that has caused some kind of broken. The ‘work’ never ending, as the expectations of everyday life, and responsibilities of upholding the place of what it means to be a meaningful, and contributing member of community.
The most tragic life experience that has lead me to the choice I have made, is the isolation that surrounds the silence in the space I breathe after years of parental alienation, and the sense of power and control in the hands of someone who needed to sustain a unhealthy entitled view, that included the what the ‘cost’ of discard meant to my children. My knowledge, and awareness of what this means to them has been an ongoing, real torchure, as I watch the same family history being repeated, and ‘know’ because I watched the ease and comfort level of the discard of the one parent, over the cherished ‘god like’ presence of the other.
Always stories and memories shared throughout many years to ‘justify’ the more entitled parental position over the accused (never confirmed) ‘less than’ parent. The same stories told time and time again, ingrained and incorporated. Anytime there happened to be a mention of anything that would contrast these firm opinions, the effort quickly diminished. The reward of attention only given to the mutual cherished black and white belief of “Good” or “Bad”. I watched the same comfortable pattern over the years, with different people, in different places. I am guilty as a bystander, who did not ‘join in’ on the opinions (hench the lack of attachment and inclusion to the family) however, did not use my voice to question why there seemed to be a unhealthy balance of respecting the ‘perfect’ one over the disrespecting ‘nothing’ of the other.
Incorporating the historical facts, with the present day status of thought processes of the various systems in place that support the odds of survival and/or thriving ALONE without a family and/or ‘loved one’ to walk the journey is predictable. The choice is to ‘conform’ to some time of belief system where the judgements of being of ‘lesser than’ status and the never ending bleeding of that emotional thought to be ‘bought into.’ To pour more and more into ‘pleasing’ the agenda that will never be ‘enough’ into the profits ‘known’ that self intangible vulnerabilites that really are set up, and in place to ensure the cycle of co dependency. The responsibility ALWAYS thrown back onto myself making this choice. Very small, anonymous rewards (just enough) to ensure the thirst to return to fountain to ‘pour out’ more and more. The ‘choice’ to work harder and harder for the pulse and the priviledge of a ‘existence’ on this planet.
The ultimate choice of course is to leave this planet. The pain, the heartache, the limited heavy footed actions needed to ‘fight’ as a lone wolf, for the illusions of what love really is.
The ‘nothing will happen’ or ‘something will happen’ in my indentity crisis of truly knowing that my life purpose has already been fulfilled. Knowing that the reconnection to my children has forever been tainted. That the reintroduction of who I am, being NOW who they have been ingrained to believe I am will be a distant nod of tolerance. The bond of trust destroyed. The view of being ‘lesser than’ and the treatment (even in the absence of their father) ongoing, as the history of their lifetime has trained them to be. It’s too late to change it, I participated in the teaching of it, so to act anything different, I become a liar. A view of forgiveness is to accept an apology from someone who will never be sorry. To be bitter or angry, which is an excuse for any support system to give ME work to do, and again be judged as ‘lesser than’ medicated and/or reformed. This is NOT a ‘temporary problem’ this is the long term reality. The reality faced after 3 years of more, and more solitary isolation and confinment where interacting with ‘real’ people in the ‘real’ world inappropriate and frightening. Being ‘different’ scares a lot of people. AND being different scares me away from people in the ways I am mocked, and treated. Vulnerability in one person, will always lead to the other finding ways to ensure to themselves that they are not you. Externally offering the different ways that are ‘packaged’ to return the responsibility of ‘Loving Yourself’, yet at the same time not really taking into consideration that the innate actual physical needs of humans is to be touched, or held by another heartbeat. The silence of another breath missing. The yearning of an empty endless void in this world that we walk supposely together. That is what even living with an empty stomach can overcome, if the struggle is fought with the physical presence and compassion of another. The solution therefore an easy choice to make. The last conclusions are on my terms. To be too fragile to cope with ‘what is’ is too painful, too much. I am grateful and filled with the life I have been gifted, however too tried to fight for what limited possibilities and options that are left.
Heather Ann Jarman
July 24, 2016
Your Own Reality
Actions Based on Reality
Life is what it is. Is it fair? For very much of my life, I have based a lot of my decisions on whether or not the decision I made was fair. It’s been a journey of ‘lessons’ that have taught me the contradictions that have lead to the scales not being balanced. For example a favourite ‘go to’ phase is to ‘be yourself’. After being treated ‘less than’ many times, I have felt that I have had to conform to way of connecting with others that allows a me a space of protection from judgement, because to be honest, people tend to be more harsh than kind when I talk honestly about my vulnerabilities. (At all levels, professionally, and personally) There’s something about showing weakness to some people that lends them to a place of confidence about themselves.
There is a small comfort in knowing that I am not the only one that has had this experience. When writing, as when I am speaking I try to be ‘mindful’ and stick to the facts as much as possible, and will ‘own’ (good or bad) my opinion. A new discovery in self love. So many times people have offered the opinion of I should ‘love myself’ without really taking the time or effort to show me. Obviously, there are a million self help suggestions, in black and white, but the beauty in ‘knowing’ what it ‘feels’ like is indeed the journey to Winning our own Love. At the end of the day, all we can hope for is that “Love Wins.”
Heather Ann Jarman 2016
Are You Enough?
The aftermath of a tragic ending of a 20 year marriage left me in a place of broken in so many different ways. Need to find ‘who’ I am has taken it’s toll, and my walk is not yet in a place where my stride has confidence. The journey started with day after day of darker and darker places. With the help of not many people ‘sitting on my bench.’
The resources at hand was the net. I actually googled how to help myself because at that point of time, I was ‘spinning’ going from actual community resources, to various sites trying to find out how to ‘fix’ what was ‘wrong’ with me.
It’s been three years of self discovery. I have been fortunate to have found people who actually ‘give of themselves’ to others, and offered support and direction. I have found a community resource that gave me an awareness of ‘power and control’ issues. This was a key moment in my journey, and at long last the understanding that I am ‘enough.’
Heather Ann Jarman 2016
Allowing Your Thoughts
No Need to Questiom
Courage To Move Forward
Acknowledge ANY Small Movement
Within You
I have been lost so many times looking to find my answers in a book or another person..There are guides, however, it is our own compass that ultimately decides.
Heather Ann Jarman
Stop being so agreeable .. 