Q: But why do you continue to ‘Live In The Past?’

A: Because the people ‘In The Now’ have a never ending list of measurements that no matter how hard I try to ‘conform’ to their demands, I will Never be ‘enough’. The consequence is always yet another way to abandonment. It is ‘Labelled’ and encouraged under the name of ‘treatment plans’. Encouraged by ‘professionals’.. Micro managed by the personal OCD’s and mission of those connected by blood…  Their microscope only zooms in on what you have done wrong. Never acknowledging anything you have done right. The justification being that it’s in the ‘process’ of conforming into what they ‘know’ as ‘right’ for you. Gentle, kind compassion saved for who serves their own purposes, and for cats, dogs, and/or any other family pet.

 

Q: What are the choices? What does Conforming mean?

A: Well, there’s religion where I could proclaim how evil I am, then spend the rest of my days serving the purpose of attempting to find forgiveness for my evil before I die, and depend on one type of God or another, then pray (and if possible GIVE further via a personal/financial contribution of one type or another) towards a never ending intangible solution.    Or …I could return to an environment where I would ‘service’ someone else’s power and control, just because of their gender, and they hold a privilege of Not having a mental health label. AND in every circumstance find a reason why they do not have to take responsibility for contributing anything to an issue, but finding a way to find YOU responsible for the apology and another reason for YOU to change. (Besides they are quite “Nice” to everyone else but you). Validation of what you feel or have to say never an option because it would cut off the dependency of their control over your need for approval.  (However have another list of justifications sponsored by one or another professional/university/Institution/Book/Theory etc.)  Or there’s finding a Support Group where there are a variety of reasons why people come to gather. Some with the agenda of recruitment for a business venture, some because they themselves are seeking so much support that they are unable to offer any to you. Some have so many strict rules and regulations that it is really impossible to do anything but to ‘conform’ to their rules and regulations.  Or I could start some business venture myself. Yes, I could PAY to learn something online,  then have a financial cost to start up, then a financial cost to maintain. All of which end up just being MORE work and responsibility that ‘I’ end up adding to the work to be done in my existing one or two income earning positions. There’s usually (whatever field) those that will ‘steal’ any idea for themselves in the name of ‘professional’ competition.  Or I could try to find another life companion.  It’s a ‘fun’ idea to attempt to find someone who is ‘totally’ single. Not just single when the other one or two aren’t available.  Not single because they are so obsessed with money that they can’t part with any besides yours. Not single because they still live with their mom and are looking for someone to replace her. Not single because they have had the family life, and want a travel companion that pays for both. Not single because the commitments of a relationship is just too hard to maintain. Not single because they prioritize one addiction or another over their partner. Not single because their particular shade of perfect keeps changing with every conforming exercise that is completed. The choices narrow with each decade that has passed in someone’s life.  To be able to conform to what’s left ‘out there’ is a quest of finding a needle in a haystack. To remain ‘living in the past’ with the memories of someone who has left this world a better option, many times over.